AUTISM

AUTISM 

That one little word to shatter ones life!!!! 

It's such a small word.... And to most I guess you will hear the word and think Rain Man or savants, trust me, I used to.... 

Not for one second did I ever think such a little work had so much power behind it....

The power to reduce a strong willed women to tears, cause seeing her daughter struggle so badly that she can't even choose an ice-lolly or draw a picture without biting or pulling her hair...  Or how her son can't tell her what's wrong without hitting himself and hurting his siblings.... Or seeing the siblings hide cause they cant cope with the screams and violence...

Such a small innocent word that rips hearts apart... That makes your picturesque family a sight to turn away from... The tranquility of love pierced with the anguished cry's of childhood torture... 

Torture is a good word... The torture within yourself to find the right and the wrong way to carry on and try finding a solution to the next hurdle of autistic crap thrown in front of you.... 

Where's the calmness gone? Where's the hope? Is there a light at the end of this dark tunnel.... 

Fresh over fake?

Raising 3daughters I wonder what the future holds... Me being me I often think about my laid back personality has on them, my comfort over fitting in, or my own fashion sense??? My odd ways and oddity lifestyle... I know I'd rather raise 3 daughters to be comfy, fresh and happy than made up bimbos who lack any self esteem and feel the need to be false... How much influence do I have as a mum over the influence of friends/tv/peer-pressure and advertisement? How do I protect the innocence of my children and keep them safe from a power driven world where how you look is more important than how we treat people? And my 3boys??? How do I raise them to be strong but compassionate men over bully's and thugs when it's celebrated more and accepted more to be the hard faced boy who doesn't care about his family/friends/love??? How do you raise 3 boys to show its ok to be upset and show emotion... To care about the people and things you love... It scares me... It scares me what lies ahead as I have no control over the people they meet or the media influence and I hope that the silly talks we have instead of stern rules to rebel against will set them up for life... The talks about wearing what you want instead of picking what your friends wear, or being the only boy in a dance class makes you stronger than the rest, it scares me that these little miracles we have made so perfectly will be hurt in life... My only comfort  is I'm here for them to help them through the bad times and celebrate the amazing... Cause they on there own are amazing...

Hope...

Something my husband said to me This morning has played in my mind... He said autism...the bad days are awful and the good days are just good moments waiting for the bad!!! It's true... 

So very very true... It's a light switch, it can be all giggles and smiles but then your world shifts and darkness rolls in an it all changes, we as adults know how to except it and try deal with the fall out but the tiny people... They don't... It was all happy and playful then it's screaming and pain along with the abrupt halt on the fun!!! Where's the balance? Do we continue as a unit and try and plod on through of as parents do we split the family and deal with the nerotypical and the autism separately? What's the right answer? What's going to be the best for our little people? 

Restless

The restless is back!!! 

My minds going 1000miles a minute and my legs are jumpy!!! 

Too much to think about x

Fights

The fights with autism in our house are "little" by nature but they are so huge!!! Ever minute of every day we live and breath autism, we breath the struggles and the tempers and the ignorance!!! We see the fall out year us an the kids apart and we can't stop any of it!!!

Silly Things

I guess my day beings with hope... I guess I should just get up an expect nothing... That way when the card comes with a spelling mistake, or the cats eating on the side, or the kids give you that look they give where they think your stupid... That way it won't break me down that little bit more an take something from me that I can't get back... That way I'm not left feeling broken and defeated I'm just that way anyway so no harm really? 

The random things about me that pop into my mind when I'm awake us so tiring... Somedays the strain to try carry  on and be a mum/wife/daughter/sister is just painful 

Pain

You know the moment you hear the kettle boil and you want to scald yourself just to release the pressure???

Or when you have to eat something as you want to slice your skin open so eating Ice-cream at 9am to try take it away, 

It's a bad day when you look around and all you can see is ways to hurt yourself, ways to release the hurt, the anger, the pain that's all rolling round me, making me want to burst....